Chapter 22: Winning by a Nose

A large crowd of students and townspeople had congregated in the parking lot in front of the Tootville High School as volunteer firefighters battled to control the blaze of the burning school building. Mrs. Dinkle stood in the throng next to Fishface, anxiously scanning the parking lot, seeking some small sign of her missing son. Spaz and Chesty stood together apprehensively, holding hands. They were also looking for Tommy. Two-ton Tilly and Lardo, standing behind Stretch and Linda, watched the smoke and flames billow from the blown-out building. All eyes turned to a police officer, who, cupping something carefully in his hands, hastily hurried from what remained of the school building and approached the group.
“Officer, have you found him?” Mrs. Dinkle asked, her panic rising with every passing second. The policeman held out a nose with what looked like tan cocker spaniel hairs on it. Mrs. Dinkle took one look and screamed, fainting backwards into a surprised Spaz’s arms. Spaz was unable to hold her and they both collapsed to the ground. Fishface tenderly took the dog-hair covered nose in both hands. “Tommy, I’ll love you forever,” she sobbed. Two-ton Tilly began to weep openly. Now who would feed her candy bars?
“Maybe you could bronze it,” suggested Stretch sarcastically.
Two-ton Tilly snarled at him, on the verge of causing him more bodily pain. Stretch wisely backed away from Tilly, pulling Linda with him. He didn’t want anything else broken or crushed. Over the weeping and the snarling, a putt-putting noise became audible to the group of gawkers and moments later Zon’s saucer skimmed over the burning building toward the crowd. Unfortunately, it skimmed a little too closely and smashed part of the roof but the craft still managed to come to a landing in the parking lot in an open area next to the amazed army of onlookers. The hatch door at the bottom of the saucer sprung open and Sheriff Zon emerged. The crowd gasped. All eyes were riveted on the visitor from space. A firefighter, distracted by the appearance of the alien sheriff, accidentally doused Principal Dood with the hose he was holding. Zon walked up to Fishface, who still held Tommy’s nose. “Tommy?” he queried. Fishface, speechless, managed a nod, and Zon took the nose from her. She offered no resistance. A strange looking, pump-like machine with a slender hose attached floated out of the saucer and dropped gently down next to Sheriff Zon. Zon took the hose and crammed it none too gently into one nostril, then dropped the nose to the ground. Lights on the machine began to glow and the apparatus began to pulsate and hum. As the silent swarm of spectators watched in awe, the nose, along with the dog hairs, began to expand. A gooey, greenish booger dropped from the unplugged nostril and also grew in size. As the machine pulsated and hummed loudly, the nose, the hairs and the booger quickly grew until they reached spectacular proportions. Suddenly the giant-sized nose exploded and a barking Watson, together with Tommy, his clothes in tatters, emerged, miraculously rejuvenated. The huge, sticky booger whizzed high into the air and then descended with a slimy splat on Linda and Stretch.
“What happened?” Tommy asked, dazed.
“Ya got him, boy.” said Sheriff Zon excitedly. “I jest knowed ya could do it. Ya proved ya got what it takes to be a real DORK.”
A hat just like the one Zon wore floated out of the saucer toward Tommy. It hung in the air in front of the youth. Sunlight played on the word DORK, emblazoned on the golden star that festooned the hat.
“Go ahead, boy,” said the sheriff. “Put her on.”
Tommy picked the hat out of the air and proudly placed it on his head. It was too large.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Sheriff Zon dramatically announced, “Ah wan chew all ta know that a real DORK stands afore you.” The crowd oohed in admiration. Sheriff Zon removed his hat to reveal a small bag on top of his head. He took the bag and extended it toward Tommy.
“What’s that?”
“It’s the ré-ward. Kellurian diamonds. Open it.”
Tommy took the bag and carefully tugged on the drawstring. Brilliant gems spilled into his hand, sparkling in the light.
“Excuse me, Mister Space Thing,” said Linda to Sheriff Zon, “but just how much is that stuff worth in money?”
“Oh, ah reckon about twenty million dollars,” replied Sheriff Zon casually.
Linda’s eyes bulged out. “Twenty million dollars?” She stared with new-found respect at Tommy, whose hat was still pulled down low over his head.
“Say, Tommy,” said the sheriff. “It looks like school’s gonna be cancelled fer a few days. How’s about we take a little trip?”
Tommy had by now fully recovered from his remarkable rejuvenation. “Sure. What’s up?
“Ah jest got word that a knock-kneed slime beast has touched down in Bakersfield. He’s wallerin round a puttin the slobbers on purt near everthin that moves down there. Ah sure could use some help.
“Okay. Can I bring someone along?”
“No weirdos.”
Tommy approached Linda in the crowd. “Linda,” he said seriously, “could I talk to you for a second?”
Linda responded coyly. “Sure, Tommy.”
Tommy held Linda’s hand gently as Stretch, with a glance toward Tilly, for once looked on quietly. “We’ve been through a lot together. And I guess in the last few days we’ve both learned a lot about ourselves and about what we really want out of life. I’ve found out it’s not what you look like on the outside that counts. What’s important is what you find underneath.”
Linda, wiping clumps of snot from her dress with her free hand, preened herself. She knew Tommy still wanted her and she was now ready to pardon him for letting her break up with him. She was willing to take him back. “Oh, Tommy,” she said, forgiveness in her voice.
“I knew you’d understand,” Tommy continued. “That’s why I’ve decided to take Fishface.”
He dropped Linda’s snot-covered hand and turned to Fishface. “What do you say, Fishface,” Tommy asked, holding out his now somewhat slimy hand. “Will you go with me?”
“Tommy, I’d love to,” Fishface responded and, rushing over to her dream guy, started to grab for his hand. Then she thought better of it and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tight.
“But what about me?” wailed Linda.
Tommy looked Linda over closely and then said, “You’d better just stick to Stretch.”
Tommy wiped his hand off on what was left of his pants, opened his bag of Kellurian diamonds and pulled out three large stones. He tossed them to Principal Dood, who was still dripping from being sprayed by the firefighter. “That should be more than enough to cover the cost of a new school building plus pay for Janitor Jim’s medical expenses.”
Fishface, Tommy and Watson stepped forward and joined the Sheriff. As they turned to walk toward Zon’s ship the crowd tittered. The back of Tommy’s tattered pants had been ripped completely away and his cheeks were exposed to the world. Flanked by Watson and Fishface, he didn’t seem to care.